Wrapping up

Jeez, well I am finally writing the last post for this project. I brought the sketchbook to the Brooklyn Art Library on March 26th and handed it over to be shelved among the other 2016 submissions. My friend submitted hers as well and we were so excited to tell the girls working at the library that day that we were there to hand them off to them. They were just as excited and were pleasantly surprised that we had come in to drop them off. They said that usually people mail them in even when the artist lives right in Brooklyn. Anyway, I wanted to wrap up some thoughts of mine about the entire process and piece and call it a day on this 4 month journey. Oh, I was going to add in some of my other favorite screen shots of profiles, that will be a surprise post in a few weeks I think. 

I have learned more about myself and about humanity through this project than I ever thought possible. What started out as my artistic coping mechanism to deal with the thought of casual dating and meeting new people has turned into one of the most eye opening experiences. I met 5 guys in person throughout the 4 months and each has a painting dedicated to them in the book. The last one I met about a week before I dropped off the project and the painting for him is a simple water color with this quote; "The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg. It's about what you're made of not the circumstances." He was so kind and sweet and had been through so many trials in his life but was not wallowing in self pity. He was driven and excited about new things. We had one drink together and though he was lovely to meet, the chemistry just wasn't there for me, and that's something I have a hard time faking. I finished the project a few days after meeting him and was ready to say goodbye to Tinderitis. It was a bitter sweet goodbye but I am so excited to share it with the readers that pick it up in the Art Library. The blog has already had more traffic than usual so I believe that is a sign that people are looking at the piece and following the link to here which is so exciting! Here is my last bit of writing that I will share, for now I suppose. Maybe I will have more to say about the piece in a few months. I wrote something similar in a letter that is tucked in at the end of the sketchbook and I think I will end with it:

To future users:

Please, I am begging you, if you just recently got out of a relationship, give yourself some time to process that. I’m sure it wasn’t easy, even if you were the one doing the breaking. Please spend some time getting to know who you are as a person, as a single person and do the things you love regardless of if there is someone beside you. Don’t start a Tinder if you are bored or just need something to fill your time. Go outside, go read a book, go do something new and exciting. These are real people on there with real lives and real hearts and it’s not okay that this whole dating and modern romance has become a game. It makes me sick. If you honestly are looking to meet new people and try something new because your current situation doesn’t offer you the ability to meet people your age then by all means go for it, but be careful. Try not to take it personally if you get ghosted or people just drop off… I mean unless you did something or said something weird… but still, remember that everyone is on their own adventure, trying to figure out this life thing. You may make plans with someone who seams like the bee’s knees, connect on the important things, text or message for a few days, even a week, and then when it comes to meeting up and making plans they flake. This will happen and has happened to me several times. Each time is frustrating and disappointing but you just have to move on or you will drive yourself mad trying to figure out what happened. Onward and upward friends.

This is to all future users as well. Sweetheart, please know that you are valuable, beautiful, and worth the effort. Pay attention to how your matches communicate with you. Take note of how the conversation goes, if they ask you important questions and don’t just tell you you’re pretty or hot. Take note of what they ask and also what they don’t. If they aren’t interested in what you’re passionate about and can’t pretend to be interested, they aren’t worth your time. I mean sure if you’re going for the hookups then none of my advice is relevant and I say you do you. Don’t get caught up in trying to tame the player, it’s not worth your time and effort. Please, love yourself first before attempting to care for another. Don’t be afraid to be yourself and especially don’t be afraid to be confident in what you believe, what you love, and who you are. Take chances but go with your gut. Chemistry is real, and if you don’t have it, it’s pointless in faking it. Be honest with people but be as gracious as you are able.

 You may come across some crazies, catfish, creeps, and some keepers. The crazies, those are a hoot. I once got a 12 text bubble long rap about this dude’s life and how he hoped I would be a part of it. The spelling errors made the read all the more comical. I only had been in communication with him for 5 days. He was a bit delusional. I found a few catfish profiles, even though I never really knew because I didn’t meet them in person but all signs pointed to CATFISH. The creeps, the ones whose first lines are vulgar and sexually charged, those are some good screenshots for the Instagram profile “Tinder Nightmares.” Believe it or not, there are keepers out there too. They are few and far between and even still aren’t perfect, but are kind and passionate and interesting. I have learned so many lessons from the people I have talked to through Tinder and have so many stories I could fill a whole other book. Happy swiping!

            -Sam

Pieced Together

          Alright, finally. I really had hoped to post on here every other week or so, but alas, it seems like I'm at a once a month pace. It's probably for the best. I have been involved with other really cool projects and have been spending my time working on those, but time is ticking with this project! I have to have it back to Brooklyn by March 31st so I'm just adding the last few pages and she will be finito! This post is going to cover a few lessons I have been learning as I try to piece together my thoughts and experiences with this project. The next post will be more of a story time. This isn't the last post so I won't do a whole summary of my research and feelings just yet. 

          The above picture is an illustration of one of the most popular answers I received as to why someone started their Tinder account. This was right after "to meet people"...which is another interesting phrase I feel like needs to be dissected because the term "meet" I found often just refers to the connection made through Tinder. Several of my matches on Tinder claimed that they had their account for a time ranging from a few weeks to several months and still hadn't actually "met" anyone in person, some of them claiming they never actually intend to.

                    Wearing your heart on your sleeve

       My entire life I’ve heard “Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve”,  “don’t give too much because you might get hurt”, “be compassionate but cautious..” etc. Last year during one of the craziest seasons in my life I was talking to a friend about life things and she mentioned that she thought that it was beautiful that I was the kind of person who wore their heart on their sleeve. I thought she was joking at first because I’ve been told that isn’t a good thing and it’s a vulnerable position to put yourself in and I will just get hurt. After a year of some intense growing pains, I cautiously glance down at my sleeve... and my heart is still there. It is still hanging on, some days it feels like by just a thread, but it’s there and I don’t ever want it to go anywhere else. I think that maybe the world needs people to wear their hearts on their sleeves for a number of reasons. One of them being because we are surrounded by people who have hearts that are so badly broken they may have trouble remembering what a heart really looks like. Maybe those who have hidden their hearts so deeply behind the highest stone walls need to experience the love and care from someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. 

I’ve realized that the term wearing your heart on your sleeve is often associated with foolishness and stupidity and that there is a sense of disappointment that comes along with the phrase. I have learned the hard way, over and over and over again, but I have learned. I have learned that there is a difference between loving or caring foolishly for selfish motives, and loving or caring out of passion and selflessness. Caring for others without expectation is one of the hardest lessons I’ve been learning throughout my entire life but for some reason it has come up time and time again over the last 2 years. It is so difficult that sometimes it feels impossible. We naturally build expectations for people and granted, I think that they are appropriate to have in some circumstances, but loving someone or showing your friendship to someone “just because” has got to be one of the most rewarding experiences. Now, the hardest time to wear your heart on your sleeve has got to be after you feel like someone just beat the shit out of it, smashed, ripped, and totally crushed it. In those moments when you feel like gravity is crushing you and your heart may just have shattered right there within your chest, be there in that moment. Be sad, be angry, be devastated, but try to understand. I have learned that if someone has done this, there is a reason. Sometimes it may come across like there isn’t one at all and that they are the ones that seem totally heartless, but having the thought that maybe they seem heartless because their own heart is so badly bruised and damaged that it is hiding away or lashing out of some kind of fear, anger, and frustration that may have existed before they even knew you, may just give you the sense of peace or forgiveness which comes when you try to understand a person’s story or motive behind their actions or words instead of trying to hurt them back. I can’t help but wear my heart on my sleeve and I am so thankful that throughout my own life I have not become hardened by my circumstances but have instead tried to become resilient and compassionate. I am such a work in progress. Parts of my heart go back and forth between being hardened and being fleshy and vulnerable and back again which frustrates me because of my inconsistency. I need to keep reminding myself and practicing the idea that caring for someone or loving someone when it is easy isn’t what love is about. It’s in the pain, hardship, and turmoil that deciding to love someone despite the circumstance, actually counts. I pray that my heart does not become hardened by pain or cynical thoughts that creep in on me so easily.

We have a choice. We can choose to be forever haunted, devastated, and stunted by the pain and tragedies that our hearts have endured, or we can choose to pick up the pieces, stitch that heart back on your sleeve, and try again. However this time around maybe you are wiser, more understanding, and aware that old habits are comfortable and easy to fall back into and that change and growth can be painful but is extremely necessary.

When people are rude, seemingly heartless or careless, it is so easy for me to wonder if it was something I did that is causing them to treat me like that. This wondering, questioning, and self evaluation can very quickly turn into insecurities and I caution everyone against that. I believe there is a healthy was to check yourself and analyze your character and actions, but if you are doing your best, being yourself, often the way people treat you is a statement of who they are as a human being and not a statement about you. That's a tough one to believe all the time, but it's a good reminder because there are so many variables that go into why people treat each other the way they do. 

                         

                           

                                 Adventure

"Loves adventure", "looking for adventure", "Adventurer"... I would say that about 60% of the profiles I came across on Tinder said something about adventure in their Bios if they chose to write something. That was up there with "Loves pizza and cuddles..." I laugh thinking about this word in regards to Tinder because although I'm sure the guys who wrote this on their bio may honestly be looking for adventure for themselves, it's clearly bait for the opposite sex. "Oh he's adventurous *swoon*" This term adventure, it seems to be everywhere these days, certainly a buzz word. I think the first time my generation started to really become fond of the word was when the movie Up was released. I won't spoil it for you if you haven't seen it (if you haven't please do), but I will say that adventure is a huge theme. I feel like it is a word that is so over used at this point it has almost lost it's meaning...or maybe I should say it seems to have several meanings. To some people going to Walmart at 2am is an adventure. An adventure could also be going on the back of a motorcycle taxi to a village in the jungles of Ecuador. Everyone has their own understanding of what an adventure is and everyone is on their own adventure. The latter part of that last sentence is one of the biggest lessons I've learned through working on this piece. In meeting new people (in both uses of the word both digitally and physically) it became crucial for my own sanity to go into every situation with the understanding that everyone is on their own adventure and that things may happen that don't make sense. Take "ghosting" for example. This is a term used in the book Modern Romance to explain when someone just stops talking to you ("talking" meaning corresponding through a technological outlet like texting or messaging) without explanation. There are several different social rules that could explain why you may have been ghosted, but sometimes there seems to be no real reason at all. This is where that understanding that everyone is on their own adventure needs to kick in or you may go insane trying to figure out what the hell happened (been there, not fun).

Things happen, people are weird, life goes on. Adventure is out there. 

 

Do not chase people. 

Work hard and chase your dreams. 

The right people who belong in your life will find you and stay.

 Do your thing. 

Word Association and Favorite Bio's

         Man, time flies when you're having fun...not on Tinder! It has been a while since I've posted here but I have been organizing my thoughts and collection of answers and "research" from my Tinder experience. Getting the cover and the first several pages done has been a relief and I am finally creating the pages that have been visions in my minds eye for months now. Below are the first few pages of the word associations that I have received from my matches. There are plenty more that I am working on organizing in an interesting way but this first batch is certainly an interesting mix. 

It's difficult for me to pick just one word that I associate with Tinder...I will have to really think about it and maybe come up with one at the end of my time with the app which will be in March. Some thoughts that I associate with it however would be the following:

-"Looking for Adventure" ( <-- the adventure thing... going to discuss this next time)

-"Does this snake around my neck make me seem more dangerous?"

-"Maybe if I don't smile in my mirror selfie I will seem mysterious."

           I'm going to throw in a small section of some of my favorite bios (please note that "favorite" refers to bio's that caught my attention for any number of reasons such as it made me laugh, it made me cringe, or made me shake my head out of disgust.  I will be adding these into the book in a more visually interseting way but I will leave you with the text for now. 

Zachary, 24: "Girl, I wish I was the helicase enzyme so I could unzip your genes."

Luke, 26: "I am a wizard. I love the surreal. I dance until the sun greets me in the morning."

Jordan, 22: "Honestly... I think it's hilarious how many bio's list food as a must. I mean name one person who can survive without it."

Sean, 25: "Too weird to live, too rare to die."

Christopher, 23: "I'm not here to make friends."

Mason, 25: "All I need is coffee, bud, Netflix, and my puppy. It's not like I don't want a relationship it's just most likely it's just not wit you sorry"

Steven, 22: "I try to take nothing seriously except having fun!"

Ryan, 21: "Bored"

Corey, 25: "So what if you are beautiful, what else do you have to offer?"

Paul, 27: "Currently using Tinder mostly for entertainmeny purposes. Though I'm far from perfect, I am a genuinely good person. I'm looking for a girl who is worth my time. Is Tinder the place to find her? Probably not, but even a blind monkey can find a banana every once in a while!"

Feyzullah, 27: "I don't feel like I belong on tinder without a photo with an exotic animal."

Eric, 22: "Look, life's bad. Everyone's sad. We are all going to die. But I already bought this inflatable bouncy castly so are you gonna take your shows off or what?"

Fun stuff right?

First Impressions

Soundtrack to reading this entry:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdzI-191xhU
*Open up a second tab and play this song while you read this entry*

First impressions are something that I know do not always hold true to how someone truly is as a person. I have a few friends that when I first saw them and had my first conversation with them I didn't think I would like them, I thought they didn't like me, etc etc, but we are actually very close now despite my first impression of them, and potentially their's of me. It's really wonderful when your first impression of someone is a pleasant experience but I am fully aware that is not always the case. I'm sure I've made some terrible first impressions during my 22 years on this green Earth but it is something that seems to me to be a tricky topic. It's all about perception. Meeting someone face to face for the first time, whether it be for 20 seconds or 20 minutes, can hold the key to a lot of information about that person whether they know it or not. On the back of this painting I wrote this about the second match I met up with in person:

               "I find it so interesting how perceptions develop. Our minds build this image or understanding of someone without having to see them in person. I met this match and before I did this was the image I had in my head of the two of us. He was this grey and dark colored cloud. He was fun to talk to [through messaging and texting] but had such a grim outlook on so many things. Is that a front or some kind of image he wants to be perceived as? He has felt a lot of pain and has built up so many walls to try to protect himself. Deep down I can tell he wants to be a happy person. I feel like this ball of color and positivity, he must get annoyed at how often I try to talk about the bright side. Oh well, he needs to hear it." 11/18/15

First impressions are funny things. I feel like I am a very perceptual and analytical person and can read a lot about someone based on their word usage, body language, and a myriad of other things. First impressions on Tinder are the funniest  to me because you make your split second impression or decision about someone based on a virtual profile that they have created to represent them them. That decision to swipe right or left to play the game of chance at potentially matching with them is based on their first picture most of the time, sometimes you look through their other pictures, sometimes you read their bio, but a decision is made in under a minute. Even through short interactions with people I can come up with a rough gestimate of some things about them as a person (I feel like I've learned a lot about profiling from binge watching Criminal Minds this summer...not that people on Tinder are criminal minds...)

 Anyway..so once you get past the first impressions within the app or within texting that person, meeting up in person is pretty much the next step if things are going well, they don't seem like a creep or murderer or catfish etc.  I was messaging this guy and things were going peachy. Really witty but intriguing conversation, seemingly interesting guy, yadda yadda. He was somewhat forward with me but not in the worst way, so I took a chance, gave him my number, and we chatted from there. I told him all about this project and asked for his input on a few things and to share his story with me. Then I asked him to get coffee, which he found to be bold of me since I didn't even want to give him my snap chat name, but again, it's all about first impressions and LIVE face to face is what is important to me. I had this theory for a while and it applied to this guy. If someone is super chatty, writes well and clear responses and participates in a conversation through a text or a message, I have great suspicion that person is more introverted in person. That has been my experience with a few guys anyway. They could text me alllll about their feelings, thoughts, etc. but were painfully quiet in person and couldn't seem to hold a conversation. I told this guy about my theory. He challenged it and said that people can be outgoing and be good writers and also express themselves well in their written words, which I totally agree with. 

So we had a plan to meet, and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I couldn't even really get a good sense of what he looked like based on his pictures because he looked a bit different in all of them; different angles, different facial hair, and different filters. It was funny, I actually asked him if he was catfishing me because of the fact that I really couldn't tell what he looked like which was when he said he would send me a snap chat of himself. When I rejected that offer he just sent me a picture message of himself which helped prove he wasn't a catfish. I was still honestly expecting the worse case scenario when we met up. Non-the-less, I went for it. Public meeting space, coffee shop, afternoon time, all good. I got there early, got a coffee, got comfortable, wrote about about how I wanted to barf because I was so nervous, I was as ready as I would ever be. Another funny thing was I was sitting by a window and I saw someone walk by that I thought was him but he passed the door and walked around the corner, so I thought "Guess not".. then he walked back past the window and through the door and right to my table. Tall, well dressed, bright smile, green eyes. We must have talked for a solid 45 min straight before I told him he could go get a coffee or something. Not what I was expecting, which was a good thing. I was so pleasantly surprised. Eye contact was on point, super funny and interesting to talk to, very good at keeping the conversation going and asked good questions, score. The whole 2 hours we hung out I kept hearing the song (that I told you all to listen to as you read through this post) in my head because he sent me that link before we met because he saw that band in concert two days before we met in person. We parted ways because he had to be to work and left it at we would like to meet up again and would be in touch. The painting on the left was what I made after meeting him. I asked him what colors he wanted to represent him so the bottom speech bubble is him. The conversation was so well balanced that afternoon so this was how I wanted to remember it. 

I've had some pretty funny first impressions of people at this point. Some of my favorites are the following:

-One guy's first picture is him in a bathtub full of bagels

-Video chatted a guy and the first image that came up was him shirtless with vape smoke pouring in and out of the camera frame. I could have sworn the room was on fire that he was in.

-The first message from some guys are just ridiculously crass and those usually make it onto the Tinder Nightmares Instagram page *viewer discretion is advised* 

The thing about perceptions and impressions in this day and age is that they exist in two different worlds. They exist in reality, in the face to face physical interactions, but they also exist in the technological world of texting, messaging, emailing, and come with novels of unwritten rules and interpretations. This is where the game, the chase, the modern romantic experience seems to exist now but also where ones that existed in the physical realm first often find trouble.    I'll get into this more next time.